Well, It's Been a While.

Even as history is being made with regard to healthcare in the US, I felt I had to share the following from today's "Wedding, Engagement, Anniversary & Commitment Announcements" section of the Los Angeles Times:

Impeach the Cheerleader

Well, my gassyness having subsided and my cardinal vestments having been rearranged, your Reverend decided to pass something other than that which was referenced in the prior post, that being political commentary.

Click on the picture to see everything.

(Makes great wallpaper by the way - right click and select "Set As Background".)

Big, Huge Smelly Dump.

…… well, at the time, your Reverend was wishing that it was big and huge, but, alas, it was not to be. Read on, mah peeps.

Last Sunday, we were in very polite company. We belong to a family social group that meets every month or so for various activities at one or another’s house. This time it was dinner at someone’s house and then a number of rounds of Bingo.

The food was great. Some salad, some barbeque, a great sauce and great potatoes, just the way I like them ……. small and brown, just like my women.

Desert was even better, lots of tubs of ice cream. So I tucked into that big time. The only problem was that I forgot that recently I seem to have developed a bit of an issue with lactose intolerance. (As you will see, dear Reader, I dunno about lactose intolerance, but my ass wasn’t very tolerant of something, let me tell you !!)

Anyway, I downed the ice cream in record time. Lovely stuff. We then went back to playing bingo. There were about 20 people there, a mixture of adults and kids. As time went on, I noticed that my stomach was starting to gurgle and I was getting quite gassy. But at that point, it was fairly easy to control. I just told myself that it would be over in 30 minutes and we’d be back on the short trip back home. Altering my position in the chair seemed to be working wonders.

But then nothing was working. I was getting seriously gassy and worried that I couldn’t hold it in. For the final time, I altered my position in my chair.

This time it didn’t work.

I tapped my wife on the shoulder (yes, your Reverend has a wife) and asked where the toilet was. She had no idea. So, in a split second I decided that needed to take my destiny into my own hands. I got up and walked around the corner, figuring that there was a toilet close by on the ground floor. As soon as I got around the corner and out of sight of the others, I started to run.

I was in luck. A toilet-looking door stood right in front of me.

I went in, locked the door, and undid my Cardinal vestments.

That’s when the problems started.

I realized that outside in the living room everyone was deathly quiet. However, I could hear the calls of the bingo numbers quite clearly. The problem was that if I could hear them, they could hear me.

Problem.

So there I was. Sitting there. Alone. A gut-busting botty-burp in the offing.

What’s a Reverend to do ?

Well, desperate situations deserve desperate actions. So I took life into my own hands, so to speak.

<<<<< section deleted for the sake of decency >>>>>

I got to the point where I felt that it was safe to get off the pot. Relief swept through me. I turned around, pulled the flush and went about restoring my Cardinal vestments to their former glory.

The only problem was that the flushing didn’t work. Everything was swirling around in the toilet and getting ever-closer to the top. With a mad dash, I grabbed the plunger (concertina type) next to the toilet and started to frantically plunge away. It seemed to work somewhat, but with every plunge water was splashing onto the floor. I kept on plunging for 10 minutes but nothing was working. At least twice, there were calls of BINGO outside and loud cheers, which enabled me to plunge extra hard because the sploshing sounds wouldn’t be heard.

I figured that I had to get help. I wanted one of them standard rubber plungers. They always worked. But to get one of those, I had to go outside. By that time, the lower half of my jeans were wet and small pieces of toilet paper were all over my shoes.

I cleaned up as best as I could and went outside, approached the hostess and told her that there was an “issue” with her facilities. She cringed, I went red and cringed, she said there had always been a problem and that there was a standard plunger in the cupboard under the sink.

Back I went and looked in the cupboard under the sink. True to her word, the instrument-de-plunge was there. I took it and started to go to town on my plunging. By this time, I didn’t care about who heard what. I fielded a bunch of knocks on the door from kids who wanted to take a leak, but my need was greater than theirs, so I denied their requests and kept on plunging.

Another 10 minutes went by and nothing was working. By this time, the water in the pot had lowered and made me think that its level of repose had been reached. A successful flush might be possible, I thought. However, I realized that if I was wrong, then the toilet would overflow and I would be in even worse shit (so to speak). I decided that the only course of action was to clean up as best as I could (by now the floor was soaked) and leave as graciously as possible.

Four toilet rolls later, I opened the door of the bathroom and left, joined my wife, apologized to the hostess and, hoping she hadn’t noticed the toilet roll specks on my shoes and jeans, left the establishment.

….. Ouch.

Strewth

Your ever-luvin' Rev has redsigned his site. Looking good !!

Reverend Locks and 700 Women ? It Must Be Blog 'Er

My fans, my peeps: Tis I, your fearless bald one. Anyone miss me ? Anyone notice ?

Last time we met, it was 2005. How is the new year treating you all ? I'm in a small room with 700 women in San Jose. Yes I'm at Blog 'Er, a conference with women, for women, all about women. And yours truly. I can smell the estrogen. Phew.

Right now I'm sitting in the first Saturday conference session. One of the speakers just suggested turning the mens room in to a womens room. She added the caviot that if anyone sees a man wanting to pee, then let him pee. Damn straight. Me, I'm using the bushes outside the foyer when I get called short.

Oh well, I do feel at home here. I've already seen lots of ladies wearing sandals and I'd hazard a guess that there's a significant Janis Ian following.

So here's the challenge: I want to see how many Blog 'Er attendees notice this site and post something. Be witty, be creative, be bright. Just like me.

..... As always, I remain, your Reverend Lock.

Reverend Locks and the California Department of Motor Vehicles

The good Reverend recently received a missive from his sister-in-law (not a reverend) which was deemed worthy of reproduction herein:

2005 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name: __________________ Agent: ___________________ Attorney: ____________________ Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ]Both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________. If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't: ______________________________________________
(Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above*

*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour*
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more

*If less than 1 hour, please explain: ____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

Do you read English or Spanish?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Don't know

Do you recognize and understand any road signs other than McDonalds and Denny's?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

Has pot been legalized in California?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[ ] Don't know
[ ] Don't care

Do you prefer cars with the turn signal factory pre-set for
[ ] left
[ ] right
[ ] off

Are your mirrors adjusted for
[ ] checking make-up
[ ] checking the kids in the back seat
[ ] your bald rear tires
[ ] missing

If you see an old sneaker on the freeway, do you
[ ] slam on the brakes and hope you can sue the turkeys who rear-end you
[ ] swerve to nail it with your tire
[ ] both

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move.

Pus-ee Big Toe (PBT)

My fans, my peeps, my hommies, you've all been clamoring for new offerings from the Revster for such a long time that I have to indulge you. Did you miss me ? I did.

Now, I know what you're all thinking ....... the title of this post actually relates to my big toe that suffered an unfortunate accident and started to ooze PUS. Lots of f-ing PUS. Yellow pus with red blebs in it. PUS, the production of which was exacerbated by constant accidental hitting by (in no order of preference), my daughter, my niece and myself.

But the Reverend digresses.

I hurt my toe walking down the garden path just over a month ago. I was barefoot and gashed it on something. A few gallons of blood were spilled, but, being the man that I am, I ignored it for weeks knowing (woman translation = being an idiot) that it would get better.

It didn't. But during the time I was hoping it would get better I walked over Alaska, Washington state, Oregon and northern California. At the end of the walking, and upon my return to sunny SoCal I got worried and consulted a doctor who, as she stated, was an expert in the fixing of pus-ee toes. She injected something in my ass and, lo and behold, my toe felt a lot better within hours. What the connection is between my ass and my bog toe (pus-ee) I'll never know. Anyway, a 2-week dose of high strength industrial-strength anti-biotics kicked the pus to oblivion.

And thus it was as it came to be - the ecumenical toe is restored to its prior glory.

Essentially Yours:

..... Reverend Lock (available for births, marriages and deaths).


P.S. Am I a cult yet ?